Ostia
by Cristiandalf el Gris
Summary: Lo and Behold, my dear readers, since Ostia has returned...Read and Review!
1. Chapter 1

**_This is a very stupid history, and it basically makes fun of many characters and places of Fire Emblem: Rekka No Ken, and the amazing movie Troy. Wich is based in the Iliad (I think that's the correct English name)_**

_**Enjoy!**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Fire Emblem, or the movie Troy... I thought that you all already knew it. Shame on you!

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**Chapter one: A not-so-nice Swordmaster.**

It was a beautiful day in Caelin. Except for the big, bloody war that was fought between the armies of Bern and Caelin, near to the Caelin castle (Woah. I used the word Caelin three times already?)

The King of Bern, Desmond, somehow stood face to face with Marquess Hause (a.k.a. Caelin's ruler)

"My, it's a pretty country the one you have here," Desmond joked.

"Well, thanks for the compliment," answered Haussen.

After thirty seconds, Lord Haussen remembered that they both were in a war. See, kids? That's what senility does.

"Hey! Aren't we in a war?"

"Yes... but I have no desire on killing you now"

"Why?" asked the old man.

"First than nothing, you have no pants," mumbled the ruler of Bern.

"Blast my senility! I knew that I had forgotten something..."

"And second, I have an interesting proposition"

"Tell me"

"My best warrior against yours. One to one. Like in a boxing match, only with more sharp and shiny metal pieces," explained Mr. Blondy.

" Nice. I approve it"

Haussen turned around and yelled to a familiar bold knight

"WALLACE!"

"Yes, my Lord?" politely asked his champion.

"You're my finest knight. Fight for me! Fight for Caelin! Fight for our children! For our families! Our freedom!"

"..."

"Just kick some ass," added the Marquess.

"Alright..."

"And I summon my swiftest warrior. Karel!" announced King Desmond

Insert awkward silence here

"KAREL! WHERE THE FLUX ARE THOU?"

"I'll find him, Milord!" exclaimed Nils, who now was running back to the camp.

Nils entered to the Swordmaster's tent, and found him playing Pyro Emblem (Dedicated to Ms. Lack Therof!) (Cause she rocks!) (She does, so shut the **peep** up!) on his Gba SP.

"Lord... Karel! The king... asks for thou!" Nils managed to say, despite his lack of air (I mean, the battle was at a fluxing distance!)

"I know," was the answer.

"...How?"

"I read it just a few lines ago."

"Huh?"

"Nevermind. I'll go, then"

Karel turned off his gaming machine, and ran to the battlefields.

Suddenly, he stopped.

"Flux. Nils?"

"Of course, sir."

The little boy played his flute, and Karel moved again.

"So there you are! Bring your sorry arse over here!" demanded Desmond.

"Humm... I don't feel like it."

"I warn you! If you don't-"

"I SAID THAT I DO NOT FEEL LIKE IT," exclaimed Karel, drawing his Wo Dao.

Everyone cried and ran in circles like little girls who just watched a horror film (Or a documental. Brrr.)

"...It looks like that I'll have to kill him from a safe distance," mumbled Wallace, throwing a Spear at our hero.

MISS!

"...You are Doomed," whispered Karel.

"Eep!"

MISS!

"...Ok, now you are fluxin' Doomed!" shouted the Swordmaster, while attacking the General.

CRITICAL!

"So, I'm to die in battle, am I? I regret nothing! Ha ha ha... ha ha..." said Wallace, before disappearing in a very strange and weird way.

"YAY!" shouted the Bern army.

"Crap," Caelin's former Marquess managed to say

"We won!" laughed Desmond "I knew that you'll never-"

Karel gived his King a not so friendly stare.

"Eep."

"Excuse me, young lad... who are you," asked an impressed Lord Haussen.

"Karel, an eastern Swordmaster. I seek for worthy oponents," answered our protagonist.

"Well, Karel, your name shall not be forgotten in Caelin. Please, accept this Hammerne Staff. It has been with the Marquess of Caelin since a long time ago. Give it to your king"

"...I have no king."

The Swordmaster turned around and walked back to his tent. After all, he had to finish the chapter 10 of Splenda's journey.

"...He shivers my skin" mumbled Lord Haussen.

"Wathever. Give the damn stafff! And please, use pants next time."

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_**Hey! It wasn't THAT bad, right?**_

_**Well, read and review. In case you wondered, I thought of the whole cast!**_

_**Paris: Eliwood.**_

_**Hector: Hector (Duh)**_

_**Helen: Lyndis (Ok, MAYBE Ninian, I'lll decide that later)**_

_**The Guy That is Married to Helen (I think that his name is Mene-something): Fargus! Or... Geitz? I mean, he's creepy, and all, but... I need help on this one.**_

_**Ajax: Bartre.**_

_**Odysseus: Matthew. 'Cause he rocks!**_

_**Briss... something. Achilles's girlfriend: Humm... Karla? Or Priscilla? Well, if I use Karla, believe me, there will be no incest.**_

_**Patroclus: Guy!**_

_**...Well, plenty more characters will be addeded. **_

_**And I speak English like a second language; that's why I have terrible orthography. **_

_**So, If any of you notices incorrect phrases, senseless sentences, typos, etc., feel free to tell me via review.**_

_**See Ya!**_


	2. Chapter 2!

**Reviews! We love reviews! The reviewers are our masstersss...! **

**Get the point, son. Review. Please?

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**Chapter two: "Rave" at Badon**

So, last time, we were on Caelin. Now we're not. We're at the Castle of Badon... hey... hold on... I think that there's no castle at... well, there is now. Happy?

Ok, now we have a castle. Inside it, lives a King (Duh), and a very strange one. He's Fargus, an ol' pirate.

Since he is the Lord and Master of this country (...that is, if a country can have only ONE town), he tries to befriend other lands by inviting their rulers to parties and stufff. He seems like a cool dude, huh?  
Welll, he isn't. He´s a very, very nasty person who likes to get drunk, dance the whole night (a la Travolta), and get drunk. That kind of stufff.

Since almost everyone in this story appears to be a millionaire who likes to spend their money in crap (like buying drinks to get drunk) instead of helping others, lots of foreign rulers spoke of Fargus as a "Nice person" or a "Lucky son of a (Insert f-word)"

The reason of why they call him so was that he was married to a very beautiful maiden, named Ninian. She had long, shiny hair, and was an excellent dancer. And now, she was a queen.

Fargus was so darn happpy about getting married that he invited almost every single king, lord, marquess, ruler or chief that he knew.

Everyone... even Hector and Eliwood.

These two guys were brothers (and couples in a LOT of yaoi fanfics, by the way) (almost as much as MatthewxGuy!) (I hate yaoi!) (Red plus yellow makes orange!) and heirs to the throne of the great Kingdom of Ostia.

That country fought Badon a loooong time ago, and Fargus thought that it was a good time to stop the usual hostility between them both.

"Ahoy there, pups! Welcome to me humble abode!" he saluted, while shaking hands with the duo.

"Thanks, sir!" politely answered Hector. Eliwood merely nodded.

A few minutes later, almost everyone was drunk and dancing (they don't waste time...).

"_Man, this party SUCKS! I mean, there's not a lot of things to do here ,unless you like to get drunk and dance around... I'd rather... What?_"

Eliwood gasped and quit daydreaming, for he had just seen the most beautiful woman in the world.

"_She... she... is beautiful... er... I mean, I know, it was on the last paragraph, but still..._"

The Ostian noble tried to get a better sight of her.

"_...I... I... OK, I must be brave! Come on, Eliwood! Give her a good impression!"_

Suddenly, he tripped on a carpet, collided with a table, and stepped on dog poop.

"Damn..."

"Sir? Are you okay?"

"_She noticed me! Yes!"_

"Er, of course, fine... excuse me, fair lady, but who are you?"

Ninian (Yes, Ninian. It was obvious!) smiled and walked towards him.

"I'm Ninian, wife of king Fargus, my lord."

"_Flux! She's maried!" "_

And I'm Lord Eliwood, from Ostia. Pleased to meet you..."

"..."

Since I'm not good at writing romances and all that stuff, let's do it the fast way.

"I love you!"

Kiss, kiss.

"I love you more!"

Hug, hug, kiss.

Crowd: Awwwww...!

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And next day...

"Thank you, sir! I can´t remember the last time I drank that much without falling into a coma..." said Hector.

"Gwa ha ha har! Ye and yer brother always be welcome here!" added Fargus.

And the Ostian ship sailed into the horizon... (Yes, now Ostia has docks and a sea. Don't send me emails!)

"Hi, Hector..." mumbled Eliwood, after climbing to the deck.

"What did you do?"

"Uh?"

"I'm asking you tell me."

"Hey! I didn't do a thing!"

"Yeah... well, last time you had that face and talked like that, you just had dyed Dad's hair when he was sleeping..."

"...Yes, that was fun... but I really... well, I... didn't do a VERY bad thing now..."

"Come on, we're brothers! You can tell me!"

"I... er... I ran away with Fargus wife!"

"..."

"Hector? Are you...?"

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In the beaches of Badon, two fishermen heard a very loud yell.

"What was THAT?"

"If it isn't a fish, I don't care. That's my philosophy."

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"YOU IDIOT! HOW COULD YOU?"  
"Please- ungh! stop,- argh! hitting me!"

"ARE YOU NUTS? FARGUS WILL GATHER AN ARMY AND HE'LL KICK YOUR PANSY LITTLE BUTT ALL THE WAY TO ILIA!"

"Yes, but... We have an army too! And we have a castle, and towers, and a very big wall..."

"AND? IT'S STILL DANGEROUS! GIVE HER BACK!"

"No!"

"NO? WHY?"

"Stop talking on capitals! I won't... I... love her..."

"..."

"I'm sorry. But I'm a PRINCE! And my army's gonna fight for every single mundane desire I have... but in this case, it isn't. I love her, and if to stay with Ninian I have to fight a whole army on my own, I will."

"..."

"...Sorry."

"That... that was... beautilful..."

"Uh?"

"Er, I mean, THAT WAS STUPID! But still... okay, the dude was drunk, so we have a chance that he will not notice..."

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"AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGHHHH! WHERE BE ME BLOODY WIFE?"

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"Dude, did you notice THAT?"

"It wasn't a fish, so I don't care."

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"Well, he noticed..." mumbled Hector, after hearing that yell.

"Let's go back to Ostia. Then, we'll plan our defense..."


End file.
